So I think I need help... But... Don't we all?
Stresses of this world just throw themselves upon us don't they?... And when we're not ready for it. I never thought that I would have to go to therapy... again... but now, I do every week.. I go and talk to a stranger about the things that I think that I can handle on my own but I can't.. so I do... I go.. I tell him about my childhood.. I tell him about my teenage-hood.. about how early I got married and had children and traveled around the world.. I tell him about the struggles that I went through with my 1st marriage and how I've gotten divorced and quickly found love again and traveled some more... And how I quickly remarried and immediately go through hardships... immediately... never being able to catch up or feel secure just wanting to breath wanting love and then another fast ball is thrown at me.. another curve ball that I need to hit somehow. I'm tired.. I'm exhausted.. I do so much... so so much. All I want to do is express myself fully but here, here people get their asses hurt their pride is hurt. There ego is hurt. I feel as though I could see several different perspectives.. well maybe that's because I have at least three different personalities that I know of myself. Maybe we all have several personalities that make us up into who we are. Though I've given a name to all of mine. Evana is known as the emotional one. Evana is the one that takes everything upon herself and cannot stop the tears. Evana is the one that's always been hurt, taken advantage of, violated, molested, raped, abused, scared, uncertain, but damn loving.... but she is probably the strongest woman in this world because she has gone through all of this and she is still here. Somehow.. (Surprised?) Well my second personality is Evie, Nessie, Ivy Jane... she's the one that everybody loves. She has a lot of different nicknames. Whoever wants to call her whatever they want to call her she is so agreeable, so fun, so alive, adventurous, unafraid, funny, creative and the only one of my personalities that everybody wants. She keeps us all together. She sees the light and strength in everything and everyone. She's strong because her emotions don't override her.. she sees the bright clear picture though she's not always in control. Nope...Now the third is Eve. She is the mother, the protecter, she has your back... She's the balancer, the organizer, the listening ear, The mamma bear. She has some strong not usually sad emotions but she is a strong willed woman. All three are incredible women... all in one. I'm an incredible woman who goes through a lot of crap who has a lot of Trials, but I usually keep them quiet so that other people see whatever they like to see. I have survived abuse. I have survived rape. I have survived several moments of wanting to give up on my life. I have survived through heartache. I have survived through being cheated on. I have survived through being lied to over and over and over again. I have survived through fears and uncertainties. I have become a woman!
I have also seen incredible beauty beyond what I have thought possible to see.. I have experienced the feelings of deep connecting love. I have seen the beauties of this earth and smelled the incredible fragrances of life. I have felt bliss and contentment and can see clear pictures of a possible incredible future. That is what drives me to find my successes in my life...
Therapy has helped me to the point of letting me puke up my insides to another person who can't stop me but can only listen.. all the while, I pay them.
I'm a fighter..
It sucks because of my challenges in my life. I have taught myself to have a voice. I have taught myself to fight back and do not take crap anymore through conversation. I do take a strong stand for myself finally but in doing so, I have stepped beyond the bounds of trust in others. So many times over I fall back and apologize For being overly strong.. Ugh Evana comes out at all the wrong times... and then I realize I'm not as strong as I think I am and then I just want to scream and be heard.. be validated.. be understood.. It's a dying circle... but in my flailing hurt/upset/pride/survival mode I have forgotten that they too want to be heard. I just want them to know that they caused me to be a woman who wants to stand her ground and protect herself and that I'm still on my way to figuring it all out and to just freaking give me a fair breath and chance to sort it out. I have come along a huge journey desperately wanting someone to see how far I've come and to take my hand and walk along with me. Instead of being hurt. I want someone to lift me up and encourage me and SEE how far I've come and just hold my hand in the process of becoming a better woman. How do I expect something like that? How do I heal? How do I become secure and Trust again? How do I do the same for others when I need it too? My trust has been violated. My understanding has been muddied, and my love has been taken for granted and taken advantage of. Again, I ask... How do I trust Again? Especially when I have been told that it Will happen Again? I'm deeply in-love with an idea... Our idea.... Our awesome plans.... Our hopes and dreams.... So I'm still here in Hope.
So... This Therapy thing... What is it? Does it help?..... Does it really?
